Balance

In 2015 I almost passed out on a New York subway train riding over the Williamsburg Bridge. I was completely alone in the city with no health insurance. The incident triggered intense anxiety and depression that lasted for about 3 months. One of my favorite things to do currently is laugh, because I can remember watching a girl laugh and as I stared out the window at her I was envious. I said to myself, “I wish I had the capacity to laugh.” I was so deep in my depression that I couldn’t even muster the energy or the will to laugh.

Meanwhile, my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, kept pushing, or more like demanding and yelling that I go see a therapist. Even before my triggering incident I was spiraling for reasons that I’ll talk about at another time.

So I went to therapy and I loved it! I loved that all my problems became math equations in my head, all I needed to do was break them down and untangle the knots. There was a source for all my emotions and once I found the root, I was released from the pain. But the greatest treasure was that I could clearly see what parts of me weren't the best and I could fix them, I could tackle all my quirks and idiosyncrasies and shape them until I became a person I was proud of. It is now one of my favorite things to do.

As I choose new qualities to refine, I recognized something…. Let me walk you through the latest quality that I worked on with myself.

When I was young I was irresponsible. Duh… we were all irresponsible when we were young lol. When I moved out on my own and took my career seriously, I needed order. I developed structure and discipline. I planned for everything, created lists, pre prepped for important dates and events, put myself on a strict schedule while structuring every hour of my day. When I had a goal I dedicated myself to it and didn’t leave any room for anything else. Everything needed to go exactly according to plan or I became rigid, angry and disappointed in myself. The more unyielding and focused I was, the better I felt about accomplishing my day. As you are reading this I know the next line will be no surprise to you….

My habits started to become a problem.

How I was choosing to work and live out my day may have gotten things completed but it does not lead to a happy life, which would eventually negate all my success. Although I stressed myself out with my stubbornness, that wasn’t the biggest problem. The most detrimental slice was that I was blocking the pathways being formed for me that would assist me in my success. What pathways am I speaking of and who was forming them? The highest power. When we form a thought and put energy into it, physically and metaphysically, the universe begins to move and work to bring you what you are seeking.

I had to release some of my precious control, planning and being responsible but also allowing room for mistakes that turn into blessings and God switching my direction to something better than I could have imagined. I found my balance. There was no way I could receive what I was praying for when I was holding on so tight to my own understanding of things and leaving no room for assistance.

It didn’t end there. Every area in my life that I sought for peace, harmony and health, required that I find balance between two extremes. The balance between appreciation and drive, humility and confidence, minimalism and indulgence, forgiveness and setting standards.

Residing somewhere in the middle and constant work to remain in that sweet spot is where real peace is. And peace is real happiness.